Late Diagnosed Autism with Narcissistic Parents
Updated: Oct 4
Late Diagnosed Autism with Narcissistic Parents - this is not a coincidence.
Late Diagnosed Autism - refers to a self-diagnosis, formal diagnosis with an assessment or confirmation of a diagnosis with a therapist. Adults, generally 18 years or older.
My late-diagnosed clients are 35-mid sixties, with the majority being over 40 years old, most of them have at least one narcissistic parent.
Narcissistic Parents - refers to a parent of a late diagnosed Autistic with some narcissistic characteristics. Narcissistic types covered here are a combination of Grandiose, Covert and Communal.
deep insecurities and unstable attachments: relationships and others must mirror back to narcissist their worth and value (they cannot produce these for themselves), can be performative to get these need met, approval-seeking.
self-focused and self referential: everything is about them, turns conversations and situation back to themselves, struggles to validate and acknowledge others.
emotional-relational immaturity: difficulty with empathy, unable to handle conflict and friction, neglects needs of others, nervous system dys regulation
self-victimizing: “adult temper tantrums”, interprets feedback as attack, hyper vigilant and misinterprets others as attacking them.
Narcissistic people can put very high demands on those around them, especially on a neglected Autistic child.
Why the Autistic Child is Neglected by a Narcissistic Parent
& Why it Matters
Most narcissist parents would crumble, their ego and internal psyche, if they admitted they could not meet their Autistic child’s needs. Admitting that they do not know how to parent, that they don’t understand the child’s ways of communicating, why they shutdown and have different needs from the other child in the home, for example would destroy their already fragile sense of self. In order to get an Autistic child help, which may include an assessment, bringing in mental health providers and the parent getting parenting tips, would require the narcissistic parent to say, “I don’t know. I need help.” That completely contradicts how they are wired for survival.
Here is profound neglect at the expense of the narcissistic parent preserving their ego. That profound neglect produces a cascade of complex trauma for a late diagnosed Autistic to heal from.
What the Late Diagnosed May Experience
If you know about Autistic processing and read through the list of narcissistic traits above, you can sense how overwhelming the narcissistic parent would be to an Autistic child. Narcissistic people can put very high demands on those around them, especially on a neglected Autistic child:
child is processing parent’s emotions for them.
child is fighting for their needs to be met while getting rejected repeatedly.
child is scapegoated.
child is trying to understand social-emotional-relational norms of both neurotypicality and narcissism, while their inner world-psyche is something apart from both of those.
extreme confusion daily.
child is unsure if their response is to freeze, flight, fawn or fight due to narcissism, Autistic processing and neurotypicality.
masking and attachment wounds.
What are the Healing Elements for a Late Diagnosed Autistic with a Narcissistic Parent?
Learn emotional boundaries if needed and do not process other people’s emotions for them. Learn to not take responsibility for other’s behaviors.
Learn to identify blame-shifting, emotional immaturity, self-victimizing and strategies to disengaged and not accept these ways of engaging from others.
Learn to prioritize self, including ways of being, knowing and doing that have been masked.
Nervous system healing - metacognitive healing, somatic emotional processing, relational safety and getting needs met.
Identify attachment wounds (both Avoidant and Anxious types of attachment can be produced from the Late Diagnosed Autistic and Narcissistic parent) and reprogram attachment system for secure attachment.
Process and integrate other trauma with grief, self-compassion, inner child work, identifying and normalizing needs, comfort with asking questions when confused.
CALL TO ACTION
CLINICIANS: Assess your late diagnosed autistic clients for family of origin trauma stemming from a narcissistic parent. if this is not your area of expertise to help an autistic heal from those wounds, refer out.
LATE DIAGNOSED AUTISTICS: Self-assess if this is your, find a family therapist who understand both Autism and Narcissitic parents, this is a huge part of the healing journey for many late diagnosed.
Contact me if you have any questions!!
737-825-5005
More writing from me and Ecologies of Autism on Substack, and more on the Ecologies of Autism YouTube Channel.
-Kristina Bravo LMFT & Community Psychologist
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